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13 October 2012 @ 06:31 am
It's six am and I'm in a brightly painted swiss owned hostel in Brooklyn, in a largely jewish neighborhood. I'm the only person awake and it feels quiet and cozy. I love it here, even right now in the wee hours of the morning it's like I can almost feel the pulse of the city around me, like a sleeping giant's heartbeat. I've never fallen in love with a place before, but this city is a seductive bitch and I suspect that it's a lost cause for me to fight her wiles at this point. I'm already plotting to come back, to rent myself a room and spend a month wallowing in this place, in light and culture and new smells and places and experiances. She has her hooks in me deep and she's not letting go.

I think that I honestly don't mind.

I'm here for ComicCon and I go for my first day today. Not in costume, thank all the tiny monkey just in street clothes. Tomorrow I go as a Sith Lord. I'm so excited, there's so much to see and do and I get to do it all with my friend Kerri, who happens to be dearer to me than my own heart. Today is going to be an extraordinary day, and I can't wait to dive into it.
Current Location: NYC
Current Music: Saving Jane- Supergirl
23 April 2012 @ 03:06 pm
Title: Five Choices Shepard Made, And One She Didn't Have To.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Spoliers for ME3, Garrus Romance.

The Road Not TakenCollapse )
29 May 2011 @ 08:48 pm
Thank you, douchebag from Plentyoffish.com.

I never would have realized how horrible and disgusting and what a worthless waste of space I am if you hadn't been kind enough to message me and tell me. I have no idea how I possibly could have believed that any person on this whole motherfucking planet could have found me in any way attractive. How can I ever thank you for reminding me that I am in fact less than human? That I don't deserve to share the same air, space, water or existence as those of average size.

When I asked you why you felt the need to just...message me to tell me these thing? Your response really made me open my eyes. You messaged me because you thought I needed to know and because fat bitches trying to get dates and putting profiles up on the internet makes you sick. Guess what Romeo? I already knew. You think you hate fatties? Sweetie, you could never in a million years hate me more than I hate myself. I look at myself in the mirror and I want to throw up more than you do because you just have to look at this body for a moment..then you can look away, I? have to live in it all day every day. Did it ever occur to you that while you're frothing at the mouth and telling all us fatties to go to the gym, when you're at the gym you don't want us there either. Do you think I don't feel the hate every single moment of every day I go out in public? Do you think you're subtle? You're not.

I'm currently on a 1000 calorie a day diet. I'm taking a medication that could very likely shave 10 years off of my life, because in combination with the anti-convulsent that I'm on...it makes up a drug that the FDA specifically turned down. I have a damaged knee that curtails my movement, because the bone grinds against bare bone benieth the knee cap. I'm epileptic, making stressing my body a risky idea since heat/stress/strenuous exertion tends to send me into writhing convulsing fits. Yet I'm still trying, doing my best to make myself into something you won't gag to look at, even though the doing could very well end me permanently. What more do you want from me? Should I kneel in the town goddamn square and flaggelate myself in penance for being so disgusting and unworthy to exist? Would that make you happy? Or would you just tell me to put a shirt on.

Do you want to know how I got this fat? Let me tell you, from the time I was 3 years old I was on anti-seizure medication, and the main side effect of this med? Weight gain. Yet I couldn't NOT take it because if I did? then I likely wouldn't have made it to see the first grade. But Hey! that probably would have been for the best. If I'd died as a child I wouldn't now be offending you by simply existing.

How about this, you hate fatties so much? Kill me. You'll be doing me a favor, I promise. Take a knife, sticking in my motherfucking heart and give it a good solid twist. When I'm dead you can feel better that there's one less fatty in the world to make you sick. At least if you just stick the knife in my heart it won't hurt anymore, because honestly I don't know what more I can fucking well do. I put the warning on my profile, I told everyone straight up that I was fat and exactly how fat that was. I wasn't misleading, I didn't just put up face shots. I did everything I possibly could to avoid upsetting anyone, and it's still not enough.

It's never enough. Nothing is ever enough because at the end of the day I'm still fat and you still think that I don't deserve to live and in all truth I agree with you. I tried to kill myself when I was ten years old because I knew *then* the same thing that you just had to enlighten me about. The world would be a better place without my disgusting fat ass in it. Even now, when I'm doing everything I possibly can to lose weight....none of that matters. You looked at me and you made this assumption about who I am. You looked at me and you didn't see the tiny, calorie restricted meals I eat, or the fact that I don't ever ever drink soda, or the fact that I probably watch my calories closer than you do your own. You didn't know that even with tears running down my face from knee and back pain resulting from repeated falls and trauma I still do an hour or so of cardio work on my Wii almost every day.

You looked at me and all you saw was a fat, lazy, ugly nothing that sat on the couch and stuffed it's face with food, grunting and drooling to itself while it watched TV. An animal, less than human and even less worthy of your kindness and understanding.

All I want to know is...how do you expect me to exist and try and fix the problem, when all you do is tear down what progress I've made? What happens when the day comes and I'm either thin, or dead? Do I miraculously become a person to you, when I hit 115 lbs? Do I have feelings then? Do I have the right to exist then? Or am I still fat? Am I still nothing?

When you have an answer you let me know.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
So, I was reading something earlier and it actualy caused me to pause and...consider what I thought about the matter, and the *why* of it. The matter in question being sexual education in schools. Also the banning of the discussion of homosexuality in schools, during sexual education classes or...at all.

A lot of people who are against sex ed in schools bring up the trope that schools should teach math, and history and english, not waste time and instrude on a parent's rights by teaching a 13 year old boy or girl how to properly use a condom, and how to avoid STDs. This is a perfectly logical view...if you live in a world full of sunshine and rainbows where things always happen in lovely houses in sububia where everybody attends church of a sunday and your mother is named June Cleaver. I live in an area where the level of sheer ignorence about disease and sexuality is so pervasive that even grown adults believe blatant, mornic urban legands as fact.

I'm 27 years old, and I personally know men and women in their twenties, and thirties that believe things like this;

1. You can't get pregnant if you do it on your period.

2. You can't get pregnant if pee right after you have sex.

3. There's no such thing as AIDs in WVA. Seriously, they swear up and down no one has AIDs in the state that I live in.

4. You can get rid of herpes if you douche with bleach or vinegar or comet or any of a dozen other stupid things I've heard mentioned.

5. You can't get pregnant if he pulls out.

6. All gay men end up with AIDs.

7. Gay men are all pedophiles that cannot be trusted around little boys.

8. Condoms don't work anyway, so why use them?

9. You only get pregnant if you have sex on your back.

10. You can only get pregnant if your partner makes you achieve orgasm.

11. None of the people I spoke to, knew what Syphilis was or what the symptoms were, several people accused me of making the disease up. This explains why this particular STD is on the rise.

This ...this horrible hash of ideas and badly formulated urban legend has come from the mouths of ordinary, averagely intellegent men and women. The reason we need sexual education, detailed, useful sexual education that teaches more than abstinence and " Family Values " is because not everyone is June Cleaver. And if you think that the schools shouldn't tell kids this stuff, that it's a parents place... think about this, YOU may be comfortable telling your children about sex. You may be happy to give them the necessary tools and information they need to be healthy, and safe in their adult sex life, but what about the parents that are too drunk or too high to give a rat's ass if their son or daughter is safe, or smart about their sex lives.

This? is how teenage pregnancy and poverty runs in families. By the time that these young people realize that the things they've picked up from rumor, or one another or any other idiotic source they've found are total bullshit....they're pregnant, or they have an incurable STD and they don't understand HOW it could have happened to them, or why.

Now, let that ferment in your mind a little, those horrible...stupid ideas that each of those people believed, that I wrote down right up there. Now, if you honestly believe that the only person who should inform a child about sex, or sexuality is a parent, think on this.

Each of the peple, that said those stupid, retarded things up there? Is a parent. Every. Single. One. Several have teenagers. THIS is who will be informing them of the " Facts of Life. "

Now. Do you *really* want these people giving *anyone* sexual education?
31 March 2011 @ 05:02 pm
I think I've finally made a turn in my life. I've found three wonderful physicians who are coordinating with one another as a unit to manage my health. My Psychiatrist, My GP, and my Neurologist. I finally have a neurologist who actually listens to what I tell him, and who, when I first met him hugged me when I cried while expaining my siezures, and my fear and my pain and the shame that came along with it.

You don't truly understand blind terror until you've suffered intense, frequent migraine pain and epilepsy. Your body can betray you at any time and for any reason. It destroys your confidence, your independence, and your sanity. It makes swiss cheese of your memory. It leaves you in constant fear of pain. Pain that won't stop, that you can't treat with OTC medications, and the disdain of emergency room staff if you dare go to the ER for relief. It's torture that can last for hours, or days, or even longer. It leaves you shaken and weak and fearful, like a beaten animal. You never know when the pain will come, only that it WILL.

I suffered a migraine so severe, several months ago that I contemplated suicide to end the pain. I could bear no light at all, I didn't eat for four days and barely drank. I couldn't even stand steadily. On my hands and knees I crawled to the bathroom. I was completely helpless to do anything but cry as silently as I could, so that the sound of my own sobs didn't worsen the agony. I wanted to die. I prayed to die and there was nothing that I could do about it. The pain spawned repeted siezures, I have no idea how many I had. I know that eventually I crawled into my bathtub because I couldn't control my bladder anymore when I kept losing consciousness.

I didn't go to the ER because there, I would have to wait up to 8 or 9 hours to be seen, and then, they would offer me an ibuprofen and a lecture on narcotic abuse. Then, if I was very fortunate, I might get a shot of pain reliver from a sneering nurse or PA. The disdain is palpable. You can feel the loathing the doctor has for you, because clearly you mist be a drug seeker. You arn't bleeding, you arn't doing anything but retching and crying, it's all an act, you see. So I suffered alone. The pain lasted almost 5 days. When it was over, finally over...I was more drained than I had ever been in my life and I was terrified it would happen again.

It did. Not as long as then, but still as miserable. The worst part is that it's my own body that makes me suffer, that resists any attempt to control either siezure or migraine pain. I have no control over it and it has utterly destroyed my life and any dreams I could have had. I've had siezures since I was 4 years old, and Migraine pain since right before my first period. I was 10 years old.

Since I was 16, I've never held out much hope for and end to it, but now everything has changed. I have doctors that *care* now, that understand. I'm going back to school, to get my GED, to get myself a *career*. I'm not afraid to go outside anymore because the light might trigger an episode. I don't dread my period and the accompanied migrain agony. I have preventative treatment, and I have pain medication to manage it when it happens, and I have *backup* for THAT. In case it gets bad enough that even hard core narcotics by mouth can't treat it and I can't hold anything down, I can do my own on the spot injections. I don't have to suffer anymore.

There's a light at the end of the goddamn tunnel at last and nothing, NOTHING has ever been sweeter than hope.
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: E.T Katy Perry
01 March 2011 @ 05:41 am
I just got hung up on by the suicide hotline. She didn't think my life was worth living either.
01 March 2011 @ 04:47 am
Everything ends. Lives, relationships, friendships, dreams. All of it dies at one time or another. That's the only thing thats really promised in this life, that whatever is, will end. For me, that's been a lot of things lately. My health, hopes, dreams, a relationship. Peace of mind too.

My health has been in the shitter for months, and there's not much I can do about it. I take my medicine, I see my doctors, but nothing really changes. I got dumped, by the first person I allowed myself to care about in a long time. He threw me away, because I wasn't good enough. Not pretty enough, not rich enough, not healthy enough. Just...not enough. Period. He lied to me, and I'm pretty sure he cheated on me in the end.

What do you do when you do everything right, and it's still not enough. Not enough to make your body work right, not enough to make your relationships work right. Not enough to make your LIFE work right. I have screaming nightmares almost every night. I'm a nervous knot of stress almost constantly and my creativity has hit the shitter like a supernova. My house is falling apart, I have no money to fix it and as trite as it sounds, the loss of the relationship I was in is the nail in the coffin. All I do is...hide, and read and contemplate endings.

This is not healthy for anyone. Eventually everyone hits rock bottom. The end of what they can tolerate without changing something. I think I've hit that place. The place where it's crunch time, and you choose to gnaw off the limb or die in the trap. I just don't know which to choose.

The jury's still out, but one thing is certain, I have to summon the energy to do something, or there will swiftly be nothing left to save.
Current Mood: confusedconfused
20 March 2010 @ 01:28 pm
What do you do when a friendship dies? I confess I have no earthly idea how to deal with it. Especially when it dies over something stupid, and so quickly it barely seems real. My friend Tanya managed to meet a man at a gas statiuon, and move in with him and decide to marry him within three days.

Three days.

Three days and she's decided that this redneck shitbag is the man of her dreams? Not only that, but knowing he comes from a family with a seriously bad local reputation, ALSO knowing that he's unemployed. Also kjnowing his previous wife left him. Now, aftert five years of friendship, of my breaking my back for her and doing whatever I could to help her, she lets this shitbag call me a fat fucking whore? makes threatening calls to my home? All because her son said that I didn't like him?

Because I don't like him I have to listen to the friend I considered a sister call me a white trash cunt in the background of a phone call while this man threatens to break into my home and cut my throat while I sleep.

I feel like a piece of my heart has died. Like this is all a bad dream and I'm sure to wake up soon. I lost my best friend forever. Because of a guy not wolrth half her pinkie finger. This? this is the suckest week ever.
Current Mood: bitchybitchy
Current Music: Lady Gaga - Alejandro
18 December 2009 @ 01:11 pm
So. Uhm. Avatar.

I haven't cried through a movie the way I did this one ...ever. It was...truly and amazingly awesomely inspiring. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes indeed. It was the best example I have ever seen of someone, learning to really see what's around them, and the beauty of a place, without wanting to change it. Or the people.

Also? The Na'vi were so beautiful and perfect. I *felt* like they were real people. They are *real* to me. CGI? You are my new bestest friend.
05 June 2009 @ 04:38 pm
Listen, self. I know your friend is now dating that guy you fancied. I know that *you* wanted him. But the fact remains that he was just not that into YOU. So self, get the fuck over it and be supportive, mmkay? I know it sucks when you have to give her relationship advice even though YOU are the one left swinging ass in the wind by your lonesome while said friend has two boyfriends. But, even if he was with you he'd still be macking on *her* behind your back probably.

Leave well enough alone Self. Be happy that your friend is happy and rock what you already have. This is a message from that part of your brain that HAS in fact, left junior high.


Me Myself and I.